June 17, 2007
Rev. Terry D. Campbell

Pathways to a Better Marriage
Ephesians 5:31-33

“’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ ³²This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Reflecting on what makes a satisfying marriage, six characteristics that pastors need to hold up as a standard to our people—and practice in our own marriages: Leave old patterns you grew up with and unite with your spouse to establish new ones. “’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

The Golden Rule of Marriage: “Do unto your spouse as your spouse needs to be done unto.” In other words, husbands, don’t treat your wife like a you—a man would want to be treated, loving her means treating her like a woman would want to be treated. The same goes for wives. Respecting your husband means don’t assume what floats your boat will float his. Treat him like a man, not like a woman. This calls us to stop assuming, and to seek to understand each other.

I. Cultivate Communication.

This is a skill learned through practice, but the bottom line is you’ve got to talk to each other. I read once in Newsweek that the average couple only spends four minutes a day talking to each other.

Men, probably most of all, you will have to work at this skill. Studies show a general difference in number of words men and women use. People have various opened or more closed personalities. Some were taught to share more than others.

One study of little four-year-old boys and girls recorded every noise that came out of their mouths over a period of time. The study concluded that 100 percent of the sounds made by the little girls had something to do with literal words. They spent a great deal of time talking to each other, and almost an equal amount of time talking to themselves.

For little boys, the figure was only 60 percent words. The remaining 40 percent were simply noises and sound effects (like Bzzzzzzz!, Zooooooom!, Baaammmmmmm!). In short, the tendency in even little girls is to use more words than little boys, and that early difference in language skills holds up throughout each age level.[i]

Not only are women more verbal, but they often speak a different language than men do. In roughly 80 percent of all homes, men primarily relate to their wives using what we call a language of the head while women tend to speak a language of the heart. Men hear women say, “Fix it” when women are simply saying, “Listen and share my thoughts.”

So . . . Men, make sure you are adequately communicating your thoughts and life with your wife. You could ask her about this.

II. Cherish Consideration.

The Bible teaches that we should show our love by being helpful to each other. Being considerate simply means paying attention to what your spouse says, showing common courtesy, and treating each other with respect.

Those not married should begin now to develop the skill of treating the opposite sex with honor. It’s a habit you’ll need when you’re married. If little boys learn at home to put the toilet seat down—it won’t be any problem for them to be considerate to their wives and put the toilet seat down after they are married. If you learn to value and honor women growing up, that pattern will bless your future wife. Check out what God says in 1 Peter 3:7-“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” Since she is your equal partner in God’s grace, God holds husbands accountable for how you treat her. That is why we must cherish consideration of our wives. God expects it.

Romans 12:10, NLT—Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. You can feel good about yourself when you treat your spouse with honor. When you build up your spouse and encourage their success.

Ephesians 4:29, NLT—Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. The way you talk to each other matters—words CAN hurt—and repeated pounding of putdowns can pile drive a spirit into the ground. Cherish consideration and try to build up rather than put down.

III. Create Compromise.

We’re taught in the Bible that, “love does not demand its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5, LB). The unloving thing to do is try to change your mate; instead you should yield your rights and learn the art of negotiation and compromise. More marriages die from inflexibility than I’ve ever seen from adultery, alcoholism, or abuse.

What’s more important—winning the argument or your relationship with your spouse? You can win the battle and lose the “war” or connection with that special person. Because marriage is comprised of two different and unique individuals, it demands that each person create the art of compromise!

IV. Choose Courtship.

Rick Warren said, “If there was more courting in marriage, there’d be fewer marriages in court.” You need to date your mate, making your relationship a priority—specifically developing things you like to do together.

Romance is important. But romance is more than what happens in the bedroom. It involves whatever you need to do to make the other person feel special. Don’t allow yourselves to take each other for granted. What do you do, even these days, to make your spouse feel special?

Small gifts (not just when you’re in trouble), note of caring or valuing besides on birthdays or anniversaries, times together alone—when you focus on her. I blew it one time—we went to a fancy, downtown Indy hotel for a romantic weekend and I took a book on evangelism to read. And I read it. I wish I had known better.

V. Claim Commitment.

I find it interesting that the media has finally discovered the value of commitment. Some headlines I’ve seen lately include: “Measuring our quality of life—happily married;” “Strong commitment brings satisfaction;” “Commitment—the key to marriage.” There have been times when Pam or I might have bailed out, but we’d locked the escape hatch, agreeing that divorce was not an option. This forced us to change, to become flexible, to learn compromise, and to grow out of our selfishness.

There is no magic dust that anyone can sprinkle on you to keep you working at your marriage. That must come from within you two. If you want the blessing, you must claim commitment.

VI. Cling to Christ.

Jesus gives you the power and the desire to develop the other five characteristics. He gives you love when you run out of love. The greatest thing you can do for your spouse is to become like Christ and then begin to treat your spouse like Christ would. Marriage and Divorce magazine discovered that one out of every three marriages ends in divorce, but when the couple is married in a church ceremony, and they attend church regularly, and they pray and read the Bible together, then the chances for divorce drop to one out of 1,105.

When both of you love Christ even more than you love each other, then you’ll automatically grow together: Christ is not going to fight with Christ.

As you listen to and obey Him, Jesus Christ enables you to be a better you. And a better you will help make a better marriage.

What will you do now?

As a word of testimony, nothing has challenged me so much as the challenge to build my marriage; yet nothing else in my life has been so rewarding. It is well worth the effort. Let’s continue to walk the pathways to a better marriage and God will help us.

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